From my last question i mentioned that i read my stepdaughters diary & most everyone responded that i was wrong, i do think that i was wrong, thank you guys for shedding some light, however what am i to do now? all this time ive embraced her as if i birthed her myself & treating her like my own daughter, should i then step back ( in a positive way) or what? cause i do love her & i dont want her having those thoughts that's why i was concerned & in the future i dont want her telling me im not her mom & other things like that. even if im not "married" to her dad weve raised our children together for a long time should that mean that she shouldnt respect me cause of that?? marraige is not whats gonna change anything as far us being happy & loving our children any different. what kinds of ways should i go about raising "My Bf's daughter" so that she knows that she needs to treat everyone w/ respect not just her dad because he is "biological" ??

Kids are kids and say stuff like that, She not my mom, or, i hate you etc etc.Keep being a MOM!! All kids need boundries, structure, love, dicipline etc etc. They will love you for that stuff later, but, they will. If you stop being a authority figure, ie, Mom, then it will backfire and they will stomp on you and use you to the extent they are allowed to.Be a MOM. good luck.Been there.

You tell her that while you did not birth her...that is the ONLY thing you didnt do as her biological mother. I would tell her that I would not tolerate any disrespect from her and her dad needs to be there with you nodding his head with you and saying the same words to her.

I don't know all the story but it seems your "daugther" wants to be respected by a legal document called a marriage license just like society has accepted. It protects her and validates her. She has a point, a very good point. Love doesn't cut anything in a court of law, it's proof and if you don't got it, it's over. She knows that. Think and do the right thing. Good luck

I don't think there is anything more difficult than raising stepchildren. Unless they are tiny tots, there is usually some resentment. In your case, you don't have the ties of marriage to cement that relationship with your significant other. This has to be a personal choice, of course, but I would think that marriage would give you legality, as well as security, in the relationship.Yes, you were wrong to peek into your stepdaughter's diary. This is her personal spot to unload her feelings, feelings that may come and go and change each day, but her feelings, nevertheless, that deserve some privacy.What you do now is go on as before, loving her, helping her, letting her know you are there for her. She undoubtedly feels disloyal to her mother for allowing you into her life, so aim at being a friend rather than a replacement.

It is completely wrong to read a diary to look for dirt on somebody, but I don't think it is all that wrong to read a diary for other reasons. I know when I was younger my mother read my diary to make sure I was okay and not doing anything too stupid. In fact I was, I was into drugs and that whole scene. So she ended up telling me that she read my diary because she was worried about my recent behavior. She made sure that I didn't feel like I was in trouble for anything, but she just wanted to talk to me about some stuff and just overall what was going on in my life.I think you shouldn't feel too bad for reading her diary, but you just can't get mad at her for anything she put in it because those are her own personal thoughts and feelings.I think even if you were her real mother there are times in a childs life where you need to back off a little bit. Children can't do everything under a mothers wing. Don't stress out or worry about this stuff too much, you love her like a daughter and she knows that and she will know that forever.-Good luck!

yeah maybe if u got married it will b better

ALL kids write stuff like that in there diaries. I did. Boy...imagine how I felt, leaving for college and finding that darn thing...scrabbled in it was "I hate Mom"...I'm sure it was over her telling me I couldn't have a second cookie or something...kids are kids....

First of all, I don't think you were wrong! Who is supporting her and providing her with clothes, food and a roof over her head? You and your husband, right? So you have a right to know what is going on in her life. Kids now-a-days can get into so much trouble and have so much peer pressure. It is your house and if you want to read it go ahead. I would have in a second! That is why some parents have no clue that their kids are on drugs, having sex etc. They want to respect their "privacy". Privacy? If you live in my house and pay no rent then I have every right to go through your things and make sure that you are following all the rules. Parents these days are clueless! Then they are shocked when their kid gets busted on some crime or gets pregnant. Get involved people!Now to your question. How old is she? If you just go married then you need to give it time to adjust. You have to think of what she is going through. She may be hurt and confused. Just try to understand her point of view and discuss it with her. Tell her that in no way are you replacing her mother but you do deserve to be respected. Sit down and talk to her with out being judgemental and ask her how she feels about this whole situation. Tell her that you understand but that you are still an authority figure and there will be times when she hates your decisions or you but that it is for her best because you care about her. Good luck!

From much experience - I tell you these things. For everthing I tell you, there is probably a dozen reasons "why" behind the statement.Even though you have done (and doing) so very much for your BF daughter - never, ever, expect "anything" in return from her .. not even respect, love, thank you's .. or decency. If you have expectations from her, you may get bitterly disappointed .... not every time - but possibley often .. especially when they are grown. When you don't expect anything at all from them --- it feels so good ,, and is such a less burdon to continously carry. And .. respect & decency depends on the type of person they are. A person cannot make another person give respect, love, or decency ... these things come from within.Do everything you do for her -- only just because you want to do it - or it is the right thing to do. Have the complete understanding inside of you, that you don't do it to be appreciated ... and know that you probably WON'T be appreciated. Understanding this, and knowing this, is just easier. Satisfy yourself ,, and know that you have done what you should - so you can live with yourself & look at yourself in the mirror every morning. Do the things you should - and have such an acceptance within yourself that you have done the things which are right, that you don't have to worry if she likes you or not. Accepting this, and doing this, promotes great relief for you.The "biological" thing is a biggie .. even when any parent is a horror parent to the child. The child never stops seeking their biological parent and their love. It is a love that is instilled in every person as a part of nature. No matter what a person says -- somewhere real-down-deep inside of us .. everyone desperately has an undieing need for their biological. A reasearch was once done which showed that this type of love was reason behind a lot or serial killers and what they did. So the biological thing cannot ever really be surpassed, or substituted. I know there are people who cling to people who have stepped in the biological parent's place .. but the real desire for biological realness always exists.If you can .. do this thing for yourself .. it will make your load lighter .. and it will break your heart a whole-lot-less. You have to do these types of things to protect yourself & your heart. Within you - make it OK for her to tell you that you are not her real mom. This is one button she will push if she thinks if tears you up - and she will use it. So .. deflate that weapon ... you work on not caring if she tells you that .. you can't stop her anyway - without a fight, arguement, etc ... so just make yourself not to care about her words ... don't let those words destroy you, or even bother you. It may be hard, but you can do it ... and you will be SO amazed at how much easier it will make life for YOU.I have seen a child who was abused all his younger years by his mother ... and the step-mother was the ONLY good & stable thing in his life .. plus, the dad which the step mom was married to. The step-mother continued to be wonderful to this child for all of his life ... then when he was in his 30's -- his mean ole mother came back into his life ... and then the child started attempting to play his mother against the step-mother who was so good to him his whole entire life. He did it without hesitation .. nor with any concern for the step mother who had loyally been there for him for all those many years. It happens .. and it happens a lot.I know I am saying a lot of things to you here.Do things to make it where your heart is not walked on. If you don't, your heart might be broken a lot. You will be amazed at how they won't mind doing it to you .. and how they can & will do it to you ... and also - often their real dad will allow it - and won't utter a word for whatever they do to you.Accept the fact that even though you are there for this daughter - that she will do things to hurt you & disresept you .. and it won't bother her to do them to you. So .. protect yourself. When she tells you that you are not her real mom .. just smile at her & tell her that she is soooo right - you are not her real mom - and that she is not your biological daughter, either -- but! - there is something real here -- and the real thing is the real love 'you' feel for her ... and that she is not your real daughter either .. but if you wished you had a real biological daughter just like her ... and that you do NOT want to replace her real mother .. and you will never even try to be in her real mother's place .. never-ever ... that you just don't want to even try to take that special place of her real, true, biological mom. Say it with a good heart. Act like it comes freely from your heart .. and that it simply does not bother you .. and is the way you want it to be. It may give her something to think about.Don't expect anything. Just accept the good things they personally give you. You can't make them like you, or love you, or accept you ... it has to come from their heart - and what they really feel ... and you can't make them - and you can't change a thing. Accepting these things - really, really, accepting these things, whatever they are, where it no longer bothers you ... will make your world so much easier & so much happier when you truly accept these reality facts. All things will then become so much more bareable for you .. which trickles down to making the situation as a whole, a lot more manageable.When a step parent is trying to be a great parent to the step child ... and the warm feelings are not returned back to the step parent .. and ugly things rears it head toward the step parent .. it hurts the step parent so much. I can tell you love these kids .. and you want a great relationship ... but realize it may never be what you want it to be. It hurts to step-back and let this sink in .. and it hurts to make yourself get to the point of realization & acceptance of the real facts .... but once you do it ... the load is lighter .. and you can deal with all things so much better. You will be so amazed.Just step-back. Let the real & true things come to the surface. You will recognize them. Don't try to change a thing. Don't tear your heart out .. or make yourself so unhappy for things you cannot change .. just know what they are. Just do your part .. as to what is right, what you should, what you want to do ... and accept the real reality of the situation. It's not easy to accomplish, but it is possible.Best wishes to you. It is not always an easy job .. or one where any gratitude, or credit, is ever given. You just have to smile for yourself, and know that you did what you should.Here is the " Serenity Prayer" for you:God, grant me theSERENITYto accept the thingsI cannot change ~COURAGEto change thethings I can;and WISDOMto know the difference.